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The invisible line of strangers by tarazkp

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· @tarazkp ·
$15.03
The invisible line of strangers
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In a client discussion today, the topic slipped into talking about relationships, although that wasn't the initial focus at all. It was actually about the client's son playing Playing games, even though he is nearing 30 years of age, which is of course common. But, his son also has a partner and children and we were then discussing what this might mean for the relationship - where is the line?

![Hanna blue top 10 of 31 1.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/F8hFpoiL-Hanna20blue20top201020of2031201.jpg)

While it is healthy to have some level of "me time", there is probably some kind of *non-static* line of amount that will affect the relationship and is going to move depending on circumstances. For example, if you imagine a scenario of husband and wife where the husband spends a couple hours each evening with his friends, you might be thinking that his wife may not be too happy and you would likely not be surprised if she left the relationship. 

It is not just about spending time together, as I think that there are different kinds of activities that are needed for a relationship. For example, a wife can go to work or spend time at the gym, which is time away from the husband, but that is also adding value to the relationship - What I wonder is, what volume of activity can there be that *doesn't* add value to the relationship, before the relationship suffers. 

This is going to depend heavily on the people involved and their own preferences and personalities, but I will assume that in most relationships, there is some kind of dynamic at play in this regard and even if people don't think specifically about it, they feel it. How much time gaming, spent scrolling social media or reading the news can a relationship survive - or more importantly, thrive under?

Relationships can be difficult at the best of times without putting additional stress on them. As I frame it for myself, it is *grow together, or grow apart* - and this requires having both a self-centered focus and a focus as a common unit that works in unison, that meshes. With far more energy being put on the well-being of the individual which has led to perhaps an overemphasis on personal desire satisfaction, the common unit aspect of relationships might be suffering, where that dynamic and invisible line is not being discovered.

Personally, one of the joys of being in a relationship is being able to satisfy the needs and some of the wants of my partner, even though there is always going to be shortfall. However, that is a two way street and that means that for the relationship to work, I also have to have my needs and some of my wants satisfied too. 

If we see that meeting relationship needs and wants is building relationship collateral, how much time and energy can be spent on non-value-adding activities has to be considered - thinking that some of that "me time" is actually value adding - but will suffer from the law of diminishing returns. The problem is that things like personal entertainment can feel good and be very attractive, even if partaking past that invisible line is doing more harm than good, to both the individual and the common unit relationship. 

With so much attention grabbing activity that not only gives pleasure, but is also a place to avoid dealing with pressures of life, it is pretty easy to see the potential damage that could be done to a relationship, where the relationship itself breaks down due to neglect. And perhaps *neglect* is where it all leads when we spend too much time on ourselves, not enough time on the people we supposedly care about and the world in which we live. 

We might be in a cycle of neglect where we are able to run from difficulties and do more of what might have been causing the difficulties in the first place, We have a need for social intimacy, but if we are unable or willing to give, we ourselves will also go lacking. We end up in a dysfunctional area that while it feels like we are being neglected, the cause could be our own neglect of others - so the cycle of reciprocity is a feedback loop of, *nothing ventured, nothing gained.*

There are many reasons that relationships don't work or fall apart, but I think that we are increasingly creating a world where we are less willing to build that relationship value and instead look to maximize ourselves. With the growing rate of divorce or perhaps more alarmingly, people not building strong relationships at all - I think that we will continue to see personal depression and social breakdown, as if we can't even be bothered to consider the needs and wants of the people we are closest to, we aren't likely to see much improvement in the wider community. 

I think that the invisible line in a relationship is intertwined with the invisible line within ourselves, where what we do that benefits us, turns into something that harms us. Like a glass of wine with dinner, or two bottles sitting in the corner crying - somewhere in there, the benefits shift to detriments. 

I guess that if we were truly going to maximize our lives for optimal experience, we have to be able to include the optimization of the lives of others, at least those we are closest to. This means that we would have to compromise in some areas as an individual to include the model of the relationships we hold. Perhaps the "perfect" solution is always going to be a line of best fit and that line is continually going to move with the conditions. If we aren't paying attention, that line can travel so far that the bonds that tie us loosen to the point that the people we care about the most, become strangers.

While this might not matter to many people and they might not think nor care about it in the slightest -  I do believe that the relationships we have deserve consideration and if we did give them a little more thought, we would likely also put in a little more effort. All it might be is an act that reminds another person that I am thinking of them, that they matter to me and as such, I am willing to do a little less of what I want so I have the space to do something they want and perhaps find that line where we both get more of what we want together.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]


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@bashadow ·
$0.04
Relationships are not easy to grow and maintain, they do take work and a willingness to be open with each other. One thing that does not help in solving relationship or in building them is comparing ones own relationship to that of another couples relationship. Different people different ways to cope with life. The only *expert* in a relationship are the people involved in what they feel is a healthy relationship.
👍  
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@tarazkp ·
I would say, the only *potential* expert in the relationship - as I think that many people are a mess, including myself at times :)
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@bashadow ·
Yeah I guess there really are no real experts in it. 
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@bigtom13 ·
$0.08
If you and the people you were talking with all knew about the son's gaming habit it is already excessive and causing problems.  Just sayin'

I've had a lifetime problem with the understanding of my motorcycle habit.  I'm not a 1%er or even close.  I am not all motorcycle all the time.  Not at all.

But it IS my away time.  Has been since I was 14.  I've tried quitting completely a couple of times and ended up building resentment because I didn't have it.  With the best ex I had a dirt bike that I could take out for a few hours a couple of times per month.  It was not completely satisfying but enough.  I really need to get out on the road for a couple of days per month.

So I'm done trying.  I understand that sounds like a harsh choice, but it is what it is.

I get my female companionship from friends.  It works for me.

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@markkujantunen ·
The kind of choice you made is becoming increasingly common.
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@tarazkp ·
I do not think that the outcome is going to be good on average when 20 year olds are making the decision for the rest of their life. I think we are seeing the results of that now in the depression numbers, as well as a lot of the social dysfunction that is happening. There are many factors compounding, social disconnection and a lack of intimacy is a big one in my opinion.
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@misterengagement ·
<center>  Thank you for your engagement on this post, you have recieved <code>ENGAGE</code> tokens.</center>
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@tarazkp ·
I think part of it is about finding a partner that can *truly* accept (not just in the honeymoon phases) some kinds of behavior - but at the same time - if for example you wanted 5 days a month riding and that became 15 on average, that isn't really the agreement. 

I like having something in common with my wife (dancing - though we rarely get to these days). I made it really easy on myself - I met her dancing - rather than try to convince her to dance :) 

I don't know the guy directly, but I have taught his dad for 10 years or so and he was saying that the wife doesn't like the gaming - so it is probably too much. I had a friend in Australia have his marriage end after his addiction to World of Warcraft - and his wife was a stunner and a very cool woman. People make strange decisions in life to satisfy some pretty useless desires, while far more important things go begging.
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@bigtom13 ·
$0.04
I agree, and also there is always a financial component that is important too.  Riding, or even having a motorcycle is not particularly cheap.  I get it.

I could never impart that I wasn't riding away from my partner but riding toward me.  A day or two out and my entire outlook on life changes.  I mean seriously.  I've said it many times because it's true:  Every hour I ride includes a 59 minute vacation.  I can relax completely and consider what is really important to me and my life.  

My best ex would occasionally remind me that it was time to go to an AA meeting.  Same sort of attitude change, often.  She never, ever once said "I think you should go for a ride".

Addiction/compulsion in all areas of life is generally problematic to all parties concerned.
👍  
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vote details (1)
@tarazkp ·
!ENGAGE 20
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@creativemary ·
$0.04
Societies always see a decline when family as a core is no longer a priority. I think that the best way to love someone is to first take good care of yourself in order to be able to also help the other. A relationship where only one person wants to advance while using the other will never last. Grow together or indeed fall apart is the rule. Once personal progress is near zero of course that there is nothing to offer in that relationship. Happy relationships are hard, but they surely deserve the work in order to build a beautiful family and long lasting principles for generations to come.
👍  
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@tarazkp ·
>Societies always see a decline when family as a core is no longer a priority.

The move to larger communities slowly weakened families, but we also now have to find a way to act as a global society and maintain personal relationships. I see a world where long-term relationships are out of fashion as a kind of dystopia.
👍  
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@creativemary ·
Oh I worry for those kind of days. It will be lonely. Family as a dystopia is definetely concerning
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@hidave ·
$0.04
Excellent post and very very relative to me.  I have much to say but will send my comment via DM on discord.  But your post encapsulates so much of what ive experienced.  Particularly recently.  Thank you for writing it. 
👍  
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@tarazkp ·
You are welcome :)
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@hivebuzz ·
Congratulations @tarazkp! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :

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<sub>_You can view your badges on [your board](https://hivebuzz.me/@tarazkp) and compare yourself to others in the [Ranking](https://hivebuzz.me/ranking)_</sub>
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@nancybriti ·
$0.04
I believe that even though the relationship is between two, there are things that should not be lost: like individuality, for example. If at the beginning of the relationship some limits are clear, I don't think that spending time doing things individually can create a conflict. If there is time to be together, time in quantity and quality, there is no reason to question the activities that the other can do. Of course, if we are talking about activities that may be detrimental to the couple, it is normal that there is concern and a need to talk about it. For example, if a man likes to drink in moderation and this does not affect the relationship, I think it should not create displeasure in the couple. By the way, I have a friend who met her husband at a party and he danced a lot. She did not like to dance, so she decided to learn just to share with her husband at parties. Now the two of them even dance at her house. Greetings, @tarazkp!
👍  
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@tarazkp ·
>. If at the beginning of the relationship some limits are clear, I don't think that spending time doing things individually can create a conflict.

My question is where is the line? For example, if you and I are in a relationship and I play games an hour a day and you are fine with that. But, after the honeymoon period of the relationship I start increasing the time I play - at what point have I "broken the contract" that you first agreed to?

>She did not like to dance, so she decided to learn just to share with her husband at parties. Now the two of them even dance at her house

A happy compromise. Often dancing is one of those things that people don't know they love til they spend time doing it. In some cultures (Finland these days) dancing isn't the norm - so most have never really danced socially. It used to be how people met here though :)
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