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In the not so distant past, a troll once told me that freedom is not free. And I agree. I usually don't agree with trolls but in this case, it makes sense. I've only realized this as I get older, as I've become trapped in the drudgery and humdrum of everyday existence. It turns out, you can only do so much. Thank Gawd you don't have to live forever. Immortality sucks.

Now too much freedom, is there even such a thing? You can only be free or not. 

Forgive me today, I don't really know what I am saying. Sometimes I pretend I know things when I really don't. I'll just let this flow because that's what my freedom is for. I am not going to hurt anyone.

Imagine you've become a bird and the sky becomes too much for you to handle. You're all alone there. Everything is all up to you.

You carry the weight of freedom. You got intoxicated with your own existence. Beautiful and sad at the same time. It is easier to leave. I know, there are still a lot of things to do. How come people in my life didn't do that many exciting things, and yet, somewhat, they left satisfied. 

Be careful what you wish for...

In the not so distant past, I dreamt to be free. You know, like the bird? I could do anything. It turns out, nothing could stop me. At what cost?

I wake up again and again  trying to make sense of it all. The neverending search for meaning. I think and I think. I think I don't want to think anymore. Even the freedom to think about everything has become too much. Does it make sense?

It doesn't. That's the thing

It is as if I swallowed a pill, and here I am, seeing all the ugly realities. Can I go back to my innocence?

I had this profound feeling when I woke up today, my cat was sleeping beside me, his tiny head on my palm, as if making me feel that I am not alone in this freedom.

I don't really know why am I feeling this way lately, it's weird. I walk everyday and I no longer feel. Gawd, I miss the feeling of feeling.  It's not only Me that depresses Me - everything.

It must be that as I witness death after another, losing loved ones one by one, I start questioning my own existence. We must all meet somewhere. This can't be the end of all. That I cannot accept.

I don't know who said that it's better to live as if there's a God and find out later that there is no God than live  as if there's no God and find out later that there is. 

I mean, what else can you do here, in this one time existence, besides drinking wine, going to Machu Picchu, swimming underwater, buying a book, kissing someone, watching a sad movie? Then you're left with what else? 

What else?

I imagine some people can get away with the consequences of too much freedom, no longer limited to moral compass. They can say anything to anyone. They can do whatever and it doesn't matter what. Imagine all that you can get if you learn to exploit the sky.

The sky, what a sad place to be.

I always say that if there's anything I hate the most, that is being controlled, my freedom being threatened. And that anyone who tries to take control of Me has no room in my life. And now all of this at what cost? I was left misguided. Unguided. And where it  took me? Here.

I want to know why?

And it turns out, Why is the most painful question of all.