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I decided to study because I was eager to jump-start a new chapter in my life and I started to study in March 2018. A lot has happened since the day I entered the School in March...

Before I'm going into that, I figured I would cover some of the aspects in my life that lead me towards the decision of going back to School. I have talked about that in the past as well, but figured it would be nice to cover my background, the progress and things that have lead me to the point I'm at today. I guess that specific part is more for myself than for others, but I'm okay with that.

I started to struggle a lot with my mental health after my father passed away. He had been sick for a long time and his medical records were pretty insane actually. Most people would probably have died a long time ago if they had suffered from just a fraction of the things he did, but he was never "sick" in the same way others are...

My father was my biggest role model in life. A true hero. Not a knight in shining armor, but he was an incredible person. He worked hard and he put in 110% effort in everything he ever did. The most important thing for my father was family, and he brought food on the table and put a roof over our heads every day of the week for more than two decades.

He suffered from one cerebral haemorrhage and four heartattacks in total. Probably a handful of minor heartattacks on top of that, but he continued to work, pay bills and he continued to be a really, really awesome person. It took him just a few short days before he was back at work after his cerebral haemorrhage, and the same after his first heartattack. Inches from becoming paralyzed or in the ground, he never gave up. He pushed himself harder than anyone I've ever heard of... He was a real beast.

My father was born in 1940, and I came to life when he was 45 years old. He divorced his first wife when he met my mother, and the rest is history. I have two older sisters, from my fathers first marriage. I barely know their names, but I do know that my mother is one or two years older than my oldest sister. My father was 20 years older than my mother, so when I arrived to this world, my father was at the age of 45 and my mother was 25 years old.

The age difference never bothered me, but many of my friends thought it was "weird" when I was younger. Apparently, it wasn't weird when my father was the one driving us around to different places or taking us out for dinner or to different amusement parks. It wasn't weird when he played football (soccer) with us either... None of my friends parents did any of that. My father was a real beast. Playing soccer with a dozen of 10 year olds for hours at the age of 55 when the other parents, the younger parents stayed at home and never really seemed to care about their kids at all.

I guess it must've felt nice for them to know that my parents took care of their kids. My father obviously paid for everything we did too. It didn't matter if it was lunch at McDonald's or us going to an amusement park. It also didn't matter if he had to pay for me and one of my friends or ten of them at the same time.

Anyways, that's a different story. I just want you to know that my father was awesome, and I truly miss him.

When my father passed away, he did so at home. In front of me. He had been home for about a week after his latest visit at the hospital, so even though we knew he was sick, no one expected him to just cave in. And that is what happened. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he just stopped breathing, stopped moving... And I couldn't revive him despite all my efforts.

In hindsight, I realize that it wasn't my fault. There was nothing I could've done because his heart was extremely damaged from all the heartattacks and everything he had been through in life. A heart can't continue to beat for all eternity... But I felt responsible for a long period of time.

That's also when I started to struggle with mental illness. Panic- and anxiety attacks, anxiety and depression. I've suffered from these things for several years. Things are better these days, but I still have some extremely bad days where I barely get up from bed.

Long story short, I've talked with therapists and psychologists, I've been eating different types of pills and had a wide variety of medications. Nothing ever "cured" me from any of my *"inner demons"*... And because I felt truly **alone in my darkness**, I got more depressed and had even more anxiety and panic attacks. If I had one single day when I woke up and felt good, something was weird. That's how frequent my attacks were and how bad state my mental health was in.

However, this is also where I started to change my life. Mental illness grew on me. I suffered and suffered greatly and no one could help me. I felt alone... But I started to be extremely interested. I was eager to find out why some people can handle one situation while another person goes under by that same situation. We act differently in different type of situations and everything affects us differently... I wanted to know **why**.

That's the reason for me to study today. I want to help others. My goal is to help teenagers and/or young adults who suffers from mental illness and it has become my mission in life. No one should ever need to feel what I felt. No one should ever feel alone and hopeless. I want to be there for them... And with my personal experience from these things **and** the things I've learned and will learn along the way... I am positive that I will be able to help at least **one** person in life. And that's all I want. I will be completely satisfied if I can help one single person to live their life to the fullest.

I obviously hope that I will be able to help dozens of people along the way... I would love to help hundreds or even thousands of people... But one single person would be enough. I would be satisfied knowing that they live a better life because I helped them with their mental illness.

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Before I continue, I will just let you know that I worked as a freelancer before I eventually made the final decision to become a student again. I was my own boss and I had worked as a freelancer for years. To become a student again meant extremely big changes in my life. Not only in terms of money, which was a huge transition as I went from a full time income I was able to generate due to my work, to a much smaller monthly income, as I started to live off a student loan.

Another big change was the fact to go back to School. I went from a situation were I made all my decisions to being told what to learn, and also how. How many pages I had to read, doing test and all that... It was definitely not as easy as I thought it would be... It was basically a living **hell** during the first couple of months.

I quickly became an "extra teacher", as many of my classmates didn't spoke Swedish properly and all these things eventually lead to immense pressure and stress. My mental illness got worse, but I continued to hold on to my dreams and I pushed myself forward no matter what obstacles that appeared in front of me.

Money was, became and still is my biggest problem. It was far more difficult for me to live off my income as a student than I could imagine. CSN (those who pays student aid in Sweden) also decided to mess with my applications and it became a total shitstorm for the first 3 months in School. It took them almost 3 months to pay out the money I should've had the first week in School. CSN has since then continued to mess things up and I am only eligible student aid for 11 out of 20 weeks for this semester.

So, the last semester starts next week, and I graduate in December this year. But, I will only get money for **11 out of 20 weeks** in total. I have done everything I can to make them change their decision, but my attempts were in vain. There's nothing they can do about it, according to them.. So there's literally nothing I can do either.

I don't know about you, but I can't live off of zero money for 9 weeks straight. That's impossible. I mean, I have bills to pay. I have rent, electricity, internet, phone etc... These things costs money. CSN doesn't care, because they can't do anything about it. I also can't get welfare or financial aid as it's called in Sweden because I am a student.

- Oh, how I love the system in Sweden...

These things are obviously **not** good for my mental state and I have come to a point where I actually realize how close I am to the finish line. I can't allow myself to walk away from the finish line because I lack the funds to afford my living expenses for 9 weeks. 9 weeks... That's nothing. I've studied since March 2018... I just can't walk away now.

I have mentioned some of these things in the past too, and I'm not sharing this in an attempt to get some pity votes or as a charity event. I share this because it actually feels good to spew out some of the things that's literally eating my brain from inside. 

I don't rely on others to solve my problems. I am used to solve things on my own and I won't ask anyone for handouts or donations. Even though I have actually been tempted to create a gofundme. I stumbled across a couple of gofundme's were people were in similar situations as me, and they raked in **tons** of cash. I would lie if I told you that it didn't affect me to see that... But I'm not really the type of person that does things like that.

So, my options are limited. I can try to get an extra job. I had one previously but I couldn't work as many hours as I wanted. I had basically zero energy left and my education was more important, so it basically came down to chosing one of the two. I picked my education. I just couldn't handle full time studies and work on top of that. 

Things could be different now though, as I can handle my anxiety and panic attacks better today. (Much thanks to the education and everything I've learned since March). Things aren't as bad today as they were. Things are easier nowadays.

However, even if I get an extra job, I wouldn't be able to work anything during 5 out of these 20 weeks because we have internship during 5 weeks. That's 40 hours of work per week, excluding lunch break or whatever.. And excluding the time it takes for me to get there and back home again. So a decent guesstimation would be about 60 hours per week with all of these things included. There's no way I would ever have any energy left to work on top of that.

The remaining 15 weeks is obviously more or less the same, except for the fact that the internship is changed into studying instead. It's slightly easier to work on top of studies instead of internship though. It's without a question very tough mentally, but it doesn't drain my energy the same way. Hopefully.

And there you have it. The shitstorm.

Now, I know it's difficult to put certain things in perspective, especially mental issues for instances, if you don't suffer from it yourself... But I've really been trying to figure out something doable, but it's seems to be pretty much impossible. Can you find something in this mess, that actually could work or be of any help?

What would **you** do in a situation like this?

The easiest thing would be to just quit my education and work instead. That would basically solve the money issues, but that would literally be like giving up on the finish line. This education is the first stepping stone towards my destination. It's the first stepping stone towards my goal... It's not easy to give up on something like that.

Also, I can't really go back to being a freelancer either, as an extra job, because my main business were brand building and even though the paycheck was nice, it involved a ton of work. I often worked up to 90 hours per week as a freelancer with the things I did, so it would be impossible to do it now. Which is why an extra job where I could work a couple of hours here and there would be the most optimal thing, but I'm not sure if I will be able to handle the extra work, if I get a job were I can work extra like that, or if I'll be able to earn enough to afford my monthly expenses.

I think my best chances are extra job and to put in as many hours I possibly can... And basically see if it works or not. But it's not really optimal to take those leaps of fates either, without some sort of backup plan.

Oh well, I guess time will tell. But feel free to give me any advice you can, if anyone had the time to read through all of this. I would appreciate it.