Hello Everyone!

**Another rainy day, Parsing memories, Smithing the psyche, Homesteaders be wary & Plenty of venting!**

I am up before the sunrise this morning, sipping espresso and watching the dark clouds of my thoughts form like some implacable thunderhead roiling across the calm surface of my mind. Most of that is due to yet again dreaming intensely throughout the night and waking up to feeling raw and unsettled even though I should be feeling quite rested given how long I slept for.

Undoubtedly some of that mood is 'carry over' from the dreams that I was having but I gotta admit that there is an equal amount of it that is a direct result of the scenario that I find myself in with the whole moving thing. Knowing that I am dealing with it better (or just more maturely) than most folks would assuredly does not change much but hey to put a spin on an old saying: Two wrongs do not make a right... nor make it even... it just makes more wrongness!

Anyway, I feel like I need to 'feel less' which is why I mentioned putting so much distance between me and my emotions in yesterday's entry and while most of the time it works really well... when I am dreaming of late it is like I am 'making up for it' and feeling all too much! That is no complaint or anything and assuredly I would rather let my dreaming mind do it than my waking mind... but it is all just so unnecessary in the first place!

Once again, the saying "c'est la vie" comes to mind and I just have to shrug it all off... let it all go... and of course only let myself 'be my full self' (as I do when writing) inside the confines of the cabin and not take it beyond the threshold of its door. Perhaps if more folks exercised that kind of self-discipline and restraint there would be less conflict in the world... instead of them seeking conflict at every turn... but hey lets dodge that topic entirely for now!

For my part (as I have mentioned before) I have to keep reminding myself that its vital that I parse out what I think and feel currently from the other times that I was in a similar situation and not let it all be a big mess of squirrely aggravation. To be clear there, sure I am absolutely entitled to being angry after folks break their word, disenfranchise me of my labor, time and resources... but hey all of that is their failings at being a 'decent human being' to bear... and nope I will not deprive them of it.

When it comes right down to it, I always come back around to 'everything being my own responsibility' and taking the simple-minded way of blaming others... just is not my cup of espresso yeah I know it is generally 'my cup of tea' but meh. To do so would often just give folks an easy way out from seeing their own faults, in their own time and in their own way. 

In other words it is best not to confuse my willingness to let folks 'choke on their own stew' with me being magnanimous to a fault... which yeah I selfishly reserve for myself and for folks who are willing to help themselves grow into better people but that is way off topic! Like I was saying a few days back: Other folks doing me wrong will never equal me doing myself wrong forever after.

My life would assuredly be easier if I caved on many of my principles, standards, values and convictions but hey those things were all hard won under immense pressure to do otherwise... and I damn sure 'won them' (earned them) fair and square in the world, know their ultimate value, do not confuse them with arrogance (or petty pretentiousness) and yup come 'hell or high water' they are mine through and through.

Now I could say something like: 'Woe to anything that attempts to come between me and them' but again that would give too much credit to the capability of others (plus my own capabilities to do otherwise) and totally undermine my point... which yeah is a very simple one: Only I can come between me and those things. It is a lesson most folks would do well to learn in life and employ with maximum candidness and minimal (if any) self-delusion.

Occasionally I look at 'life' to be a sort of forge that applies the necessary heat to induce malleability into and onto my psyche (or personage) and to be absolutely blunt... I should say that the times that I failed to be the 'blacksmith' are the times that lead me to either 'taking the hammer' from someone attempting to be the smith... or learning to pick up my own apron, tie it off behind my back, fit my gloves to my hands and begin the wide (or short) arc of one tempering blow after another... some being gentle, some being rough, some being soft, some being hard... but all of them done with intense and albeit 'tempered' precision.

To continue the analogy from above I must say: I never quite knew what I was making... only what I was not making... and yeah that may seem a bit odd but sometimes you just have to hammer away at the white hot iron of self and see what there is that 'can be' made of it. Weapon or tool, accessory or utility, anchor or cleat, figurine or bauble... once you know what it is... every motion must be bent to making it to its fullest potential... anything else is laziness pure and simple!

Sadly I doubt that most folks take that kind of responsibility for how they 'turn out' in the world. But... hey I guess that gets into all sorts of other things like cognitive awareness, introspection, willingness to change and a whole slew of things some folks are seemingly incapable of being aware of the value of in the first place. And yeah it is equally sad how it is wholly easier to blame others, dodge any 'fault found in ourselves' and say all sorts of horseshit to justify our own bad behaviors!

Alright, I am going to leave off all of that jazz for now because whatever it was (most likely my angst) has alas worked its way out of my system in an effective, efficient and complete manner... for now. Go figure that I tend to actively engage in fostering/maintaining my own mental well-being and find productive (and occasionally creative) ways of dealing with it! I mean really what do I have to lose (besides things that hold me back) when there are only things to gain from engaging in such a process.

Anyway, the morning is dragging on here and the day is looking like it will be a total washout because there is a ninety-nine percent chance of rain and yup some thunderstorms to boot! Maybe if I am lucky there will be enough of a break in it this morning that I can squeeze in a hike and get a few chores done because whoa do I feel like some physical activity is exactly what I need after being cooped up so much yesterday. That being said... ta ta for now!

Okay, it is now a little before noon and I was able to squeeze in a hike and pick (and eat) more of those black muscadine grapes that have been getting ripe lately. They really are rather delicious even if they are mostly seeds! Mainly I wind up eating the skin and sucking the inner fruit away from as much of the seeds as I can before spitting them out in various places along my hike so they might grow there in the future. 

It is even later in the afternoon now and I just woke from a very brief nap which turned out to not be all that restful but ugh I do not want to delve into all that at the moment. Suffice it to say that my mind just would not succumb to the point of relaxing enough to accommodate real sleep!

Something that I keep trying to word out to myself (and perhaps yal) in some reasonable fashion is just how messed up it feels to be in the situation that I find myself in and still be plugging along and writing about my homesteading adventures... or to put it more accurately my misadventures. 

By and large when most folks set out upon this kind of lifestyle they do it on their own (or their family's) land and in no way shape or form do they encounter the kinds of problems (because oh yeah... there are problems) that I encounter when dealing with landowners. That of course boils down to the caretaking aspect of things and how interwoven that is with my stay at a place and my lifestyle.

To be clear there I learned quickly to only extend my homesteading endeavors to my little area and not necessarily expand them beyond it. So in essence it could be said that all my setups for a homestead fall within what I guess could be called a mini-homestead. Which yeah I actually like because it forces me to really dial in my scenario to have a very small footprint instead of the sprawling footprint most folks have to manage... or mismanage depending on the folks!

For the most part my goal over the last many years (I guess almost ten or fifteen of them now) was to 'earn' (through that not-so-quaint term sweatquity) a place of my own along the way. Well obviously that has not worked out and my 'sweatquity' (and often invested resources such as materials) never held the kind of value it was purported to hold to get me in motion cleaning up a place, making it nicer and generally doing improvements to the best of my abilities.

In other words the idea of 'earning my own place' on someone else's land has repeatedly been the 'carrot on the stick' in these situations that I find myself in. To be clear here I caution anyone being offered such deals to get it in writing and if folks balk at that idea... then well... you have your answer on what either their initial intent is... or what they want as a backup plan (so that they can boot you from the situation) once you are no longer either a 'use' to them... or when they just have a temper tantrum like a two year old child that dropped their pacifier in the dirt.

Basically, having an agreement in writing is a way (as I see it) for folks 'word' to be made stronger (not less so) and most folks who balk at the notion... tend to have issues over the value of said 'word' which yeah is quite revealing in and of itself. Now that may all seem harsh and perhaps even cynical but stuff like people changing their mind, financial pressures, mental health and all kinds of stuff like that is always going to play a part so do not be so quick to judge and think that I am not aware of those things.

Regardless of all of that though (or perhaps especially because of that) contracts and/or leases are vitally important and perhaps even more so when dealing with friends and family members because we all know just how murky (and volatile) such relationships can be. Also it is wholly worth noting that all too many folks (who invite people to their land) are either passive-aggressive nincompoops or power tripping assholes so beware!

Personally my advice is that even with contracts in place it just is not worth it to endeavor upon with friends and family... unless of course its folks who you just know beyond a shadow of a doubt will neither abuse you, rug pull on you, stab you in the back or some combination of the three... all without a shadow of guilt because after all it is their land... and of course they can do whatever they want on it... up to an including removing you from it by force... regardless of any verbal agreements that were made.

Sure all that can be taken out of context and folks can say something like 'oh you are jaded' or 'people are not that messed up' or any number of things that would in effect attempt to make what I am saying less potent, less true or just be written off as merely me doing some ranting and raving but I digress. 

That said. Seriously folks please watch your backside when it comes to that kind of 'verbal agreement making' because it is often the language of hustlers, conmen, abusers and liars. Because yup their land will be better off and you will have not a damned thing to show for your efforts... absolutely no recourse... and especially not that place you were working so hard towards earning!

In other words do not follow my example of trusting folks on their 'word' alone when it comes to doing any homesteading on other folks land goes, do not attempt to put down roots and essentially (as sad and pathetic as it is) do not trust your friends to do the right thing. Spare yourself the heartache, the disillusionment and all the other myriad feelings that you will feel after you have invested yourself and your only 'profit' afterwards is measured in losses.

Heck, I have had such a bad damn run at it that at this point I want to abandon caretaking other folks land altogether and am faced with losing yet another homestead setup that I worked so diligently to create... and yup even my ability to do any homesteading at all is on the line given the kind of 'dead-end in life' that I have wound up in because of it all.

But hey, do not get it twisted because I chose to believe folks time and time again, I chose to take the risks, make the gambles (so to speak) and yup I bear full responsibility for the scenario I find myself in... regardless of whose fault it actually is. Because blaming others for my problems is the realm of the immature, the intellectually deficient and those with an artless ability to not shoulder their own responsibility in such matters. So if taking it all with that proverbial grain of salt does not work... try two grains!

Now it is worth mentioning that many folks of course helped me out 'with a place to live' but often that just amounted to a bare piece of dirt, maybe an electrical outlet somewhere nearby (by 'nearby' I mean pretty far away) and if I was super lucky a clean drinking water source within less than a mile's hike from my camp. Hell, just that 'piece of dirt' was often something used to 'lord over me' or treat me as an indentured servant... so you do the math there about what kind of 'deal' it really was from the get-go!

Of course I have had a few better 'setups' than that but they never really amounted to real accommodations or ones that did not require me to do a whole lot of work to make them habitable and/or bearable to live in... including and not limited to putting up with other folks domestic horseshit. While sure I never really expect 'accommodations' my point is I am by no means a 'yard hippy' and tend to work my butt off at a place given that there are projects to work on and folks are willing to 'put their money where their mouth is' and pony up the resources/materials to get stuff done. 

To be clear here, there is always a ton of 'free work' that I do just because the land needs it but I seldom if ever count that as a part of my actual contribution for earning my keep. When it comes right down to it the land always comes first and yup it will always be there long after the current 'landowners' are dust. Moreover I find it to be incredibly meaningful and fulfilling work on a very base level that I can only term as being my duty as a good steward of the Earth.  

Aside from the 'work' there is the watchfulness, the guarding of a land's assets (like timber and such) and basically the protecting of folks property, be it actual material goods, wildlife (from poachers) or whatever. All of those things I often glaze over but yeah they are alas a part of things and that sort of activity is absolutely priceless and it is best that I not attribute value to it lest I feel slighted (over feeling like I am being taken for granted) find myself growing resentful and quit doing them altogether. I occasionally call it 'a bi-product of my presence' and just leave it at that.

Anyway, I should move on from that subject matter altogether because although it has provided me with a mild form of venting... it also turns my stomach... brings up a lot of bad memories and generally gets my hackles up in such a way that I feel it worth sharing my insights on the topic so others can weigh it (or not) in their decision making process. One final thing worth noting is that yes decent landowners do exist, whose word is their bond and are willing to work through difficult scenarios in a constructive manner... but whoa are they few and far between! 

Yeah, I am well aware that it 'looks bad' for folks who may be potentially entertaining having me on their land but I am well beyond the point of doing (or not doing) anything for appearances sake. I am also (like I said earlier in this entry) looking at stopping the caretaking thing altogether and abandoning my homesteading dreams (or putting them on hold) so yeah that is just 'where I am at' and bullshitting myself or anyone else does zero for me... or them for that matter!

As much as I kind of want to delete most of this entry (like I did that other one a while back) I also intended to word all that out one way or another and doubt that I could spell it out much clearer than I have already... even if I did attempt to re-write it! One thing that I want to make absolutely and unmistakably clear though, is that I view being 'jaded' right up there with being 'bored' and yup both are the kind of self-induced psychosis that I not only have great disdain for but also do not coddle myself with!  

Well, I dislike ending this entry on that note and it being so short but there you have it. It took me entirely too long today to word all that down in as concise and non-inflammatory way as possible and yup my little brain is over it! I hope that everyone is doing well and has a nice day/night.

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<center>*This little black locust sapling is one of those that popped up late in the year near the pine forest.*</center>

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