Hey, Hive. Third night in a row and I’m pretty happy about it. I’ve been trying to reestablish this routine in my life because I do think it’s good for me to have a writing outlet. My career has changed a lot. I was facing obstacles over the last year or so. I started the dark pinup genre as a way to carve out a distinction of my style within an industry that I didn’t fit into. Eventually, it became so popular that everyone now shoots a darker style in pinup. Shadow banning by Instagram and most recently, a massive internal change for me as I’ve been so closely affected by Gaza. It’s hard to focus on lingerie models with the trauma on my phone every morning.

https://images.hive.blog/DQmVne6GR5Zpf9GS2T9SnoGRzgKzqoHcxUmtMDNaa3CEDnw/emilee100%202.jpg

The photos I’m sharing tonight are of my friend Emilie and they’re the first images I’ve shot since August of 2023. Honestly, I had a lot of anxiety about it. The world has changed and I’ve changed so much in the last six months, I didn’t know if I’d be able to have my heart in the shoot. Prior to the session, I felt weird even considering it. I’ve been contributing to my Minneapolis community documenting protests here in the Twin Cities which has given me a sense or purpose in a way that pinup photography hasn’t for a very long time. I didn’t know if mentally and emotionally I’d be able to switch gears.

https://images.hive.blog/DQmRJmmAokhBaNFvaAJXmPasnsyDaRD7w5ATLgkxYbhXZ7P/emilee103%202.jpg

Emilie and I have know each other for over a decade now. She lives out of state and she’s been flying into the Twin Cities for private sessions before her birthday consistently for all this time. That did help. I may have been more uneasy if it was a first time client, but fortunately we seemed to pick up without much trouble. I used to be mused by the seduction of the process and energy of the shoot. That, I can be honest about, I wasn’t feeling, but I was able to still create meaningful compositions with strong diegetic light exposures. I know Emilie is going to love these edits so I feel I did my job.

https://images.hive.blog/DQmeHikF9yDFww6yd5ZHoUCcaX26sFsn74rtS8rUwYtQq41/emilee102.jpg

It is a weird time for me right now. I’m really questioning the last 23 years of my photography career. It isn’t that I regret it, and it’s okay to acknowledge that this time has come and gone. The chapter is closed; maybe with the exception of a shoot here and there for fun or if I need the money, but the career has reached the end. I’m okay with that. My heart isn’t in it like it once was. I’m focusing a lot on illustration and that’s been bringing me fulfillment in ways I haven’t enjoyed in a long time. Right now, I’m lost but I’m wandering in the direction of what feels right, listening to my internal moral and spiritual compass.