Empathy has been a word popping up in my daily life more often than I'd otherwise expect. Not only from other people but my own mind seems to conjure up thoughts on it repeatedly, evolving the definition of it each time a little bit more. 


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The typical definition is:

>The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

But it seems it might be more subjective in its application than first meets the eye. It feels similar to the Criminality Conundrum, where one cannot blame the criminal who only became a criminal due to societal issues. Well, if that's the case, who do we blame? The parents? *their* parents? The prime minister? The President 3 elections ago? *Slavery*?

In the same way that we have to think long and hard about how much fault lies at the feet of the criminal before giving a sentence, empathy also needs one to speculate where it comes from and why.

@tarazkp said to me t'other day that in some ways, empathy is useless, like sympathy. This was interesting to me as I always just assumed empathy was a noble concept we should appreciate at all costs, while sympathy should just be tossed to the wayside as a synonym for condescension. 

But I see his point. Just because person A has experienced something *similar* to person B, doesn't mean they know what that person is going through and how they can even begin to process and deal with it. After all, we are all dealt a unique set of cards from birth. 

# The cards have been dealt.

If all equalized the level of love one had for somebody who died in equal circumstances, person A might process the death of a loved one with an outbreak of tears followed by the traditional process of funerals, speeches, and a couple of weeks of mourning. Others might feel dead inside for years, burying it inside within a day or two, until a single emotional trigger gets struck, making them spiral into months of despair. 

Is one less valid than the other?

Empathy, like sympathy, also has a time limit, where one might express their knowledge of the pain a loved on is experiencing and then... well, move on to other things. Empathy does not require you to join your loved one in mourning just because it reminds you of the time you also lost a loved one. After all, you already went through it. Why would you want to do it again on somebody else's behalf?

# Boycott Empathy?

Empathy does have its place. **If used properly**. When it comes to making decisions or understanding the motives for somebody's actions, it can give a much more reasonable perspective than the typical online keyboard warriors who scream GUILTY or INNOCENT without a second glance at a criminal trial. 

But in contrast it can also be used where it frankly just shouldn't. Empathy for a mass pedophile because they were only giving in to their urges, is just not something society should tolerate. Empathy for thoughtless rioters and Molotov cocktail throwers because they *truly believe in their cause* is, to me, irrelevant and wrong. 

Additionally, people often use a kind of false empathy in order to built relationships, which might work for most people, but for some people it certainly does not, and comes across as more condescension and self-serving affirmation.

# You and I are not alike

I have friends and family who use this tactic as a style of conversation. There's nothing inherently wrong with it. These people simply want to relate to the others and this is their way of doing it. However, my experience with this is always a minor frustration, because the person empathizing tends to create their own conclusions from the brief insight they've gotten from you, in order to fit with the nature of their own relatable scenario. 

With this out of the way within seconds, they can then talk about themselves in a way that they believe matches one's own scenario, thus creating a bond. 

But this is almost never how it really feels. My friend's toe being ingrown and 'pretty bad' is *not* the same as my toe which needed 5-6 surgeons and two nights agonizing away in a hospital bed. Nice try, but no cigar. It sounds more like the person trying to relate really just wants to share a story about themselves.

>'Oh, your dad died? That reminds me of the time my dad died, and I was so torn up for months, like it was the worst feeling ever'

>'...Cool'

One person's friend being sectioned for going a bit psycho is not the same as my sister being sectioned after an episode of psychosis, with the added nuance of years of trauma, a broken family, her dog *dying* of kidney failure while she's locked in a hospital room unable to say goodbye, and almost no family to count on before, during or after the events. 

Even if it were still comparable to a tee, I can guarantee I'd process it markedly differently to the other person, for better or worse. 

Really, in this case it's simply being used as a social tool, and serves no function to reduce suffering on anybody's behalf, which is what I previously assumed was the primary goal of empathy.

I mean, I have empathy for people who are living day-to-day on bread and water, as for a short time in my life I was also exceptionally poor. It doesn't mean I have to give two craps about that person now, especially if I don't even know them beyond vague acquaintances. 

I sometimes find myself in a situation being told terrible news about somebody, which I myself have experienced and can totally relate, while simultaneously just wishing I could go back to my desk and finish watching the video I was working my way through about Corpse Flowers. I still share the feelings of that person on some deep level, but I just don't got time for it right now. My *compassion* currently lies elsewhere; the plight of the corpse flower, for example. But instead I have to sit around with this pseudo-concerned face so people don't think I'm a sociopath.

# Compassion

It is that compassion which is key, making all the difference. You don't need to share the emotions and experiences of somebody in order to help them if you have a wealth of compassion to give out.

But compassion can be mentally exhausting, and even dangerous if you burden yourself with too many responsibilities in this regard .



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Compassion requires your desire to help. Empathy does not. Empathy can be used as a social tool much like 'a sense of humour' can. And like humour, it only extends as far as your mood can be bothered to extend it. 

I believe I have a lot of empathy as I have emotionally gone through quite a bit in my life. Well, more than average anyway. I also feel I've put a lot more time into the thought process of understanding, and listening to others. 

However, at the same time I think my levels of compassion are starkly limited to a select few people. My energy levels and motivation to help others is not that significant. If you want to talk to me, I'll listen, advise, share. But if you want me to lend you money to get out of your debt trap, or run a marathon to win your hostage daughter back, you'll have better luck asking a random hobo in the street. 

Ok, I'm exaggerating a bit but you get the idea. I think if we look within ourselves we probably all realize this is the case; We lack compassion. We believe we have sufficient empathy, which has been given a free ride on the Positive Connotation Merry-go-round without so much as a raised societal eyebrow. 

# The most compassionate people

Those who are most compassionate, from my experience, tend to be the ones who are suffering the most. In their compassion, they strongly desire to hide their own troubles in order to protect the people they care about. This obviously exacerbates their own problems, but these people have long sacrificed their own wellbeing for the sake of others who likely need far less help. 

People who are in poverty or mental illness are very closely connected to the daily struggles of the worst-off people in the world, and there's only so much of that one can tolerate before the mind starts swirling around with 'what can possibly be done about this injustice'. 

A kind person might give a dollar to the local hobo. A compassionate person will give their *last* dollar with a smile and a chat.

Well, there's infinite words to write about empathy, in all manners of context, from careers and leadership to family & culture. But I have a meeting to attend.