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The fire was lit for the first time this year, mostly for atmosphere and marshmallows, not warmth. But, I am suspecting that we will go through a bit more wood than we have in previous years, which reminds me, I need to get some delivered. This is pretty cheap for us and we actually have a free load to receive also, as it comes from family forest and last Christmas we were gifted a trailer full. 


![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/23wgKmMm8Rb8MwXavDCo5kB8AhJGMDFA1UbWxj3RoS2MWJ3b5C4MUVBdFUp9QeuzL8u3z.png)


But, one of the most "interesting" things is that Smallsteps is about to lose her first tooth, which at almost 6.5 years, I feel is kind of late. But I haven't looked into the norms and perhaps my memory of my own *toothlessness* is spotty. 

>Smallsteps is worried she will swallow it. 

No toothfairy then! 

![image.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tarazkp/23yTbBYH1hgmphoab9ryURg1dwW3iDmmXVRnF9JdZRy5YpvHS1acSzA4tMEGn4G2rXbur.png)

>I still don't have my wisdom teeth I think. 

*One day I will be wiser.*

Wisdom is what I consider as *experience applied,* and while I have a fair amount of experience, I often feel that I haven't learned to apply it well. It is like seeing the pattern of the play, knowing what defense to run, but not shifting the response. After exactly what was expected happens, I hindsight that "I knew it" thinking reminds that *next time* I will listen to my experience. 

>Rarely happens. 

There is a difference between knowing and doing. 

*Maybe once my adult teeth come in.*

>Speaking of adulting...

After four days off of unfortunate illness, Smallsteps is still at home with me today, even though I have to return to work. Next week is the "end of the quarter" for me, so I have to make sure that all of my additional tasks are done and the admin side taken care of, in order to get my quarterly bonus. Normally, it would be at the actual end of year, but this quarter and the next will finish two weeks early, as my team is going to stagger our end instead, finishing a quarter a month earlier than the rest of the company. This is because our internal stakeholders are largely in the Sales organization and they generally have very, very busy ends, so it is better not to try to get hold of them at the same time as they are closing.

I am on track to get things done relatively well (considering how much there is and what has been happening on top of my goals), but I really am not in the mood at the moment to dive very far into it, so am taking a bit of a break (writing here) to clear my head a bit and see if I can gather some motivation. Overall though, my supervisor seems pretty happy with the progress being made and hopefully, I will be able to use this to drive on into the new year and hopefully, get a little more base salary added. 

>That will have a relative effect on my bonuses too.

Next year, I have to make sure I am paying the right amount of tax however, as this year I screwed up and now for the last five months of the period, I am paying a *very large amount and will likely still get socked with another bill come tax time. 

>Not ideal. 

Staying on top of all of these moving parts is a fulltime job in itself I feel now, and I wonder if it is because of the stroke that it all seems that much harder. Sure, the motivation is gone, but with my head not working quite as well, it is also taking me longer to process everything and, I am unable to hold the "big picture" of how it all comes together, and the details just don't stick. I completely understand why so many people who have mild strokes just end up phasing out of work-life and become prisoners in their own homes. 

The social side is a challenge too, like when my supervisor was praising me and while I am not good at taking compliments at the best of time, I felt pretty much nothing at all. Instead, I had to *fake* the thank you, not because I am ungrateful, but because there was no automatic response there. But, I knew that she was expecting some kind of recognition of the compliment too. 

>It was weird.

*It could also be affected by my fever.*

>But I felt a bit like a psychopath.


They say that psychopathic tendencies tend to do well in business, so perhaps I am destined for greatness in the company, CEO material even. Maybe after those wisdom teeth come in....


Experience is a funny thing, as it is both the things that we have done in the past, but also our momentary process of our lives. My own experience of life has changed markedly over the last 1.5 years and if there was any way to describe it, it would be something like "Diffused". It is like there is a desaturation filter applied to life and the previously bright colors are dulled, softened like peering through a fog at autumn leaves. 

But, despite my own experience of my experiences, I don't think my family deserve to have to deal with it 24/7 so I instead try the "fake it til you make it" approach, in the hope that perhaps one day, the fog will lift or, the habit of faking is strong enough that it appears that life is adequate. I am pretty sure that I am not very good at the faking it part, however hard I try to fight the reality. 

>I am not sure if we live in a strange world, or it is just me. 

What has been interesting over this period however is that I now have a far better understanding of how the mind affects experience and outcomes. The idea of "change your mind" doesn't always seem possible and perhaps, it is more harmful to make it appear that if someone is unable to break their thinking, that they are weak and a failure. Perhaps, there really is physical mental blocks in us that are impossible to overcome. 

This doesn't mean they can't be affected though, as once they are identified, alternative activities can be incorporated to allow for them instead. However, this doesn't always mean that life can remain the same, something that can be especially hard on those we care about and, care about us. 

>I am worried though.

Kids are far more sensitive to their surrounding than adults and me faking is going to have an effect on Smallsteps too, but I am not sure what would be better for her - as the current real me is not the type of person a child should role model. But, there is not much I can do about it at this point at least, so I will have to keep trying and cross my fingers that the damage done, isn't too damaging on her own experience of life now, or in her future. 

>Adulting sucks.

If only I was wiser.


Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]


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