First i admire youur courage to share your view on coding and the difficulty you facing in it. What my thought are us that, i had alittle experience learning excel on my own through a PDF manual, it wasnt really easy at all trying to start from the basic to a more advanced stage but i am proud that though i am not a guru in excel but some Certain things tbat is important i can do it all on my own and it all started from continuous practicing of the basis without the manual and where the trick lies is,if you cant teach someone that basis and you progress in learning your programming it barely sticks to the brain without looking at the coding again. So its best you try as much to teach yourself and if you cant code the simplest coding on your own then don't move further and sure let your time on a particular stage not weigh you down ans let other programmers dream not push you hard. Just know practice make perfect and perfection is not 2years. Its all a process. So i feel when you can do coding without copying,then you can become a good programmer .go keep working,you will come back ere in few time to tell us your hard work how it has paid. And sure it will. I am giving you an advice from a view of myself in terms of Excel and how my brother became knowledgeable in app making on his own...thanks for sharing and i we are ere to back your dreams up