The media -- like TV, movies and magazines -- feed us images of an **ideal type** of partner with certain characteristics. There is a big push for *sex appeal* as the *ideal*, along with a nice *big bank account*. An ideal partner is sometimes shown as having a cute smile or kind eyes, regardless of the fat wallet or sexy appearance.

<center>
<img src="https://steemitimages.com/DQmfX22uQQCAu2S6hubi8ajzqdzdnZHG644SonBRZbHtp2k/relationship%20couple.jpg" />
<em><a href="https://pixabay.com/en/couple-together-relationship-1761816/">Source</a></em>
</center>

Apart from the media influence, ever wonder why many people *choose partners* based on **similar motivations**? How do people *gage* whether they are in a *good or bad relationship*? What determines if we become *more involved, live together, get married, or find someone else*?

A [model](http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1111/1467-8721.00070) was developed in the last decade by social and evolutionary psychology researchers. It's called the **Ideals Standards Model**.

Ideal standards, the current characteristics of the partner, the need to see them or the relationship in a positive light, and the need to be accurate about who they are, all play a part in **how we choose a mate**. The model developed 3 general categories of features as the most appealing to evaluate potential partners: ***warmth-loyalty/trustworthiness, vitality-attractiveness, and status-resources***.

Those features are the **main signals** we generally look for in a *potential partner*. They demonstrate a **good investment** (*status-resources*, *warmth-loyalty*) for us to make with our time and our lives, and **good genes** (*vitality-attractiveness*) for creating a family. Pretty much everyone uses these standards to measure a potential partner, whether we realize it or not.

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<center>
<img src="https://steemitimages.com/DQmXf6zid6qJGzcYi8QEwQH6JRtKqZUug5xJHLwgedwuh1M/trust.jpeg" />
<em><a href="https://pixabay.com/en/qualities-man-self-confidence-795867/">Source</a></em>
</center>

# Warmth and Loyalty/Trustworthiness

Despite popular opinion about the primary importance of sex appeal and physical appearance, this is predominantly the case only for those who are looking for *short-term relations*, like hook-ups. People who seek out **long-term relationships** look at warmth and trustworthiness as *more important*.

A nice smile and warm gentle eyes only go so far. Warmth and trustworthiness are what determine someone's **level of care**, and being able to **meet needs of love, comfort and security**. We look for a capacity to be **considerate, loving, kind and understanding** in times of *distress* and feeling *threatened*.

When these needs are met, it **bonds** people and brings them **closer**, fostering **attachment** and **security** with each other and thereby **trust, loyalty and faith** as well. If we can trust someone, we feel more *secure* and **stable** in our relationship. This makes us more **certain** about the **commitment** and *faithfulness* of our partners. *Relationship satisfaction* is correlated with how strongly we trust the other.

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<center>
<img src="https://steemitimages.com/DQmTUJ645M4p4oBW1nXxiistTrMW7vNY1hXKQdzu9m7viTc/running-runner-long-distance-fitness-40751.jpg" />
<em><a href="https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-girl-silhouette-jogger-40751/">Source</a></em>
</center>

# Vitality and Attractiveness

The media and our culture plays heavily on *good looks and sex appeal*. Being attracted to someone isn't only about their physical appearance, or sexual desire and arousal. Looking at *external appearances* goes beyond physical attractiveness, it also demonstrates their **health** and level of **energy** to show how outgoing they are.

Physical appearances can be more obvious for us to recognize, but even at a subconscious level we are evaluating the health and vitality of a person. This tells us about their reproductive potential (*"good genes"*). Does it seem like they will produce *more or less healthy children*?

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<center>
<img src="https://steemitimages.com/DQmPR4RtWvF9TbYs8h9meE7yPaSVBuwY36CFLL9M3CVPSND/family-730320_640.jpg" />
<em><a href="https://pixabay.com/en/family-children-sunset-silhouette-730320/">Source</a></em>
</center>

# Status and Resources

Contrary to the mainstream narrative of a people desiring for *money, luxury and a big salary*, not everyone is so *materialistic*. These terms aren't about great wealth or social standing gained from it. The status and resources are what are required to **provide for a partner and family**.

What most of us are looking for is not a *glamorous lifestyle*, but a **decent job** with some **security** that can help **contribute** to the **maintenance of a family and home**. To be *happy*, we don't need large amounts of wealth, but we do need to have the *basics of food, shelter* and other essentials covered for the **prosperity of our family**.

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<center>
<img src="https://steemitimages.com/DQme65Rxn7TKL82x5daw973Kw8RN1X7GpSrzX9BZwxVnUgB/qualities%20ideal.jpg" />
<em><a href="https://pixabay.com/en/qualities-man-self-confidence-795867/">Source</a></em>
</center>

## Being Realistic: Few Can Match Ideals Perfectly

If a partner is perceived to be *failing* in one of these **fundamental qualities**, the relationship will be evaluated in a more *negative light* compared to other relationships where a partner is seen as *embodying* these qualities more. If these ideal qualities are really important to someone, then they may not be willing to *compromise* and stay with their partner. Higher importance on ideal standards means more *expectations* for partners to match them.

People who have some *flexibility* in accepting how much a partner is aligned with these characteristics, report having a *higher quality relationship* because they aren't as conflicted with how their ideal doesn't match the reality. Having *standards* and *ideals* are fine, but sometimes people don't match them *perfectly*. Partners who largely embody these fundamental qualities might still not be enough for some people because they have *unrealistically* high standards and expectations to be met.

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- *Do you agree that these ideals are universally important for how we evaluate our potential partners?*
- *Which of the 3 categories do you think/feel is most important to you?*
- *Which (if any) of the 3 categories do you think/feel is least important to you?*
- *Is failure to meet expectations in one or more of these ideals a "deal breaker" for you?*

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**Thank you for your time and attention. Peace.**

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References:
- [Ideal Standards in Close Relationships ](http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1111/1467-8721.00070)
- [Ideal Standards, the Self, and Flexibility of Ideals in Close Relationships
](http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167201274006)
- [We all want the same things in a partner, but why?](https://theconversation.com/we-all-want-the-same-things-in-a-partner-but-why-88557)
- [The evolution of human mating: trade-offs and strategic pluralism](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11301543)
- [High income improves evaluation of life but not emotional well-being](http://www.pnas.org/content/107/38/16489.short)
- [Ideals in intimate relationships](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9972554)
- [Adult Attachment ](https://www.elsevier.com/books/adult-attachment/gillath/978-0-12-420020-3)
- [Trust, variability in relationship evaluations, and relationship processes](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20565183)
- [Trust and communicated attributions in close relationships](http://psycnet.apa.org/record/2001-07168-005)

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